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Turmeric Latte? Or As We Call It, Plain Ol’ Haldi Ka Doodh

First published in ScoopWhoop, on August 19, 2016.

By now, we all know how to milk an almond. And since udders are so 2014 (or whichever year it was when Kim Kardashian broke the Internet), we now have a brand new development from the world of holistic health: golden milk.

No, not spoiled milk. And we apologise if the name reminds you of golden fluids you would prefer not to drink, even though those too are said to be full of health benefits. Gomutra has hit about Rs 80 a litre, we hear. Not too steep a price to pay for something you can also make for free, if you wish to live till 99. But, that’s a conversation for a later date.

This is the milk of a revolutionary new ingredient. And it is Gwyneth Paltrow, via her lifestyle website Goop that shot it into the collective psyche of those in search of self-actualisation. Oh, and ancient ayurveda may have said something about it, too. As well as every aunty-ji wanting to help you shake that lingering cold. But just like yoga wasn’t so hot till it became literally hot and Bikram-ified in sunny California, we like to export our cultural heritage and then re-import it, all shiny and blonde.

Let’s be honest, haldi ka doodh just doesn’t sound half as appetising as a turmeric (now pronounced tu-meric for some reason) frappuccino, does it? Yes, that is the secret to golden milk: haldi. In a frappuccino. Or a latte. Sometimes a smoothie. Milk-free. But possibly containing mylk. And if you think I’m spelling that wrong, please refer to the previously mentioned almond beverage now masquerading, along with plenty of less animal-y alternatives, as cow juice. Vegan “milk” = mylk.

Anyway, with the reflective surfaces of Gwyneth’s cheeks blinding us to all else, does it really matter where it is from originally? GP’s health tips have sounded tempting for some time now, but vaginal steaming, bee stings and conscious uncoupling all sounded too painful. I made a half-day effort at her 2016 New Year detox diet and the hanger grew so powerful that even the family dog’s leg started looking like a tangdi kebab. Golden milk seems far more doable, and fits the budget nicely.

And believe me when I say, it is so easy to make and so delicious to drink. Just like having the gravy from a leftover Thai yellow curry in a mug. It will give you such a vital boost that you will forget all about your morning coffee.

First, focus on the main ingredient: fresh haldi is best, but powdered will do in a pinch. Peel it, chop it and put it in a blender. Then add some ginger. And if you hadn’t had your morning cup of tea already, add a shot now. Some honey too, because we all know that refined sugar is toxic, but honey is A-OK. Finally, some almond mylk. And there you have it.

Let’s call it Tu-meric Chai Tea Latte, to perfectly complete the circle of cultural appropriation and feel your inflammation disappear so fast that your yoga pants fall straight to the floor.

Once you finish your drink, take deep, cleansing breaths. Feel the gratitude flow through you. Just be sure not to reveal all that inner peace with a smile, because your teeth might be a little yellow after chugging so much haldi. That may just be a little too much sunshine for the best of us.

Next week, I’ll bring you Kim Kardashian’s perfect posture for a pert bottom. Till then, bottoms up on that glass of golden milk.

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